Mis Vida...Ah Chico...

It is the strangest thing ever I swear to god. I don't want to have sex. All I want is for somebody to hold me all night long while I get that peaceful comforted sleep that comes when you are in somebody's arms. It is rough, because I have no doubt that I can get laid, but I have nobody who will just hold me all night long. I want to be wrapped up all safe and sound in a warm embrace. I miss having a boyfriend for that reason. I mean I miss it for many others as well, but I think that that's the worst. I mean honestly I do not have the slightest issue getting laid but I don't want sex I am so very much not interested in physical love right now. This is bizarre as all hell because I am normally the crazy sex fiend, well I have been of late. But I just don't want it, and that's all I can have. I really just want someone to love me, is that too much to ask? Is there something that terribly wrong with me? Why am I so damn unloveable? GOD MOTHER FUCKING DAMNIT!!! I had someone who loved me, and I am the fucking idiot that threw it away because I thought I wanted something new I thought I found the perfect guy. But hey guess what it turned out he was just an asshole playa' like all the rest. I am so mad at myself I am so stupid and I will never learn. I had something beautiful and I let it get all fucked up. I realized one night that my guy wasn't perfect and I let that go and fuck with my head and I made dumb choices and I didn't figure out how wrong I was until it was too late. Maybe someday I will find that true love that I am desperately searching for, and maybe on that day I will be smart enough to hold on to it tightly and never ever let it go. I won't toss it aside for the first attractive stupid little boy that comes my way and shows a little interest. God love hurts. But I want that fairy tale love that truly can endure anything. Oh man I am such a sad sad little girl. Daddy come and save me. I want to curl up and go to sleep... Forever.

So I am searching for my place in the world, and more and more I wonder if maybe there is no place for me. I am all alone. It is a gray spot in my heart that is cold, cloudy and gross. I feel like all of my so called friends up here really aren't my friends at all. They were all ali's friends who simply put up with me. And really I guess this doesn't make a lot of sense, but it is how I feel. Whatever I guess I have successfully segregated myself from all of the people that might keep me here. So away I go, I'm gonna run away and never come back. Nobody would miss me and really what do I have to lose? I can go somewhere and start all over and be the person I always wanted to be. SO that is the new plan away I go, hasta luego, bon voyage, sianara, whatever you want to say I am out. GOODBYE! Goodbye to the assholes and liars. Goodbye to the ones who hurt me goodbye to the ones who played me. Goodbye to all of you who just don't care. And lastly goodbye to the few of you whom I love.

I have realized that my place is not here where I am, however I have yet to realize where exactly my place is. I know that I need bigger and better things than this small little place can offer me. I am ready to fly, ready to soar and I am leaving no stone unturned. Wow, in the scheme of corny lines that one was definitely a winner. I went to class today well one of my classes and I do believe I am going to love it. Cultural Anthropology, it seems absurd in the scheme of my major but really it isn't. The study of people will be very useful in the acting world. Anyways could my life be more boring? There really is no interesting or drama ridden anything today and it is amazing. I am so damn sick of drama! It is amazing how cutting certain aspects of your life out seem to immensely alleviate the drama. Weird. Anyways as there is no drama and not much to say I suppose I will go. I am sure that within the next few days something interesting will arise. Oh wait just kidding, I met this boy in class he is a transfer student from England where he went to theater school, which is so cool because that is so what I was going to do. Go to England, and immerse myself in theater. So we talked about the whole England thing and it was awesome, he is also very cute...hmmm...I think it will be fun to get to know him. But know I really am going to go away.

I have noticed that more and more time is lapsing in between when I write... I think this may be partially because I am busy, and partially because I have given up caring. I am so very over the stupidness that is the world. I figure I can be happy without all the dumbness so I am working hard to cut it out of my life. Maybe this is why I feel so alone, I hate it; the alonness, but I fear that the stupidity will drive me crazy. So I am gonna make it through summer semester, and then I am going to run away. I am, as I may have already said,gonna go to Missouri and just be happy, tranquil, and calm. And there is only one man who can guarantee all those things for me. I don't need all the stupid little boys that come in and out of my life, but I will always need my papa. In fact I am done with stupid little boys, one in particular no more no more, anything. I don't want anything to do with him (for now). We will see how long that lasts. But I have been really really good at steering clear and not having anything to do with him, so I think it may be for real this time. Maybe it is because I finally realized that the nice guy thing was just an act and he really is an asshole, not to mention a playa and a half. Oh well you can't always read 'em right... I will give him credit though for being such an amazing actor, because normally I am really good at figuring people out. I think that is why it took me so long to come to the asshole conclusion. It wasn't because I didn't notice, but more because I didn't want to admit that I made a mistake in falling for him... Yup it's out there I fell for him and I really shouldn't have. Anyways, apparently time is the answer and with time the open wounds will heal and I will have memories that are pleasant left. I am skeptical of this theory but we shall see. I imagine the wounds will become less acutely painful but the scars will remain forever marring my aura. Thanks asshole you marred my aura.

So another birthday come and gone...Yup I am a year older. I have officially decided that I am not going to have birthdays anymore, I mean really what's the point? I have a general knowledge that my birthdays will generally suck...Royally. And then there is that whole anticlimactic post birthday blah thing and really why must we celebrate being one year closer to dying? Boy I have such a cheery outlook. Really I am having major daddy withdrawals it's rough. All I want right now is for someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me everything will be ok, even if they are lying. And I wanna go to sleep in the warm, safe comfort of that embrace. Too bad I don't have anyone to do that for me. Oh well I will deal. I went out with my mommy for my birthday today and it was nice, until she started nagging at me about how much I screw things up. I wish she could just accept me and love me for who I am, that really isn't such a bad person. She doesn't have any desire to know that person though so I guess that is a long shot. She seems to have this twisted notion of who I am, its like her fantasy of who I "should" be and she has deluded herself into thinking that is who I am, and because it isn't I will constantly disappoint her. However, as much as it would be nice to have her really objectively see me for who I am and like that person, it is more important that I can look at myself and be happy. I am really working on that, and I think I have made some giant strides in the right direction. For starters I am officially done with Derek and his bullshit. I mean we can be friends I guess cause he isn't a bad person, but that is it no more crap I am soooo over it. I know I have said that a lot but this time I think I really truly mean it. I don't really know what it is that makes me think this time will be any different, but I really really do. Well I don't really have anything else to say except that I love my daddy with every molecule in my body and there is no one in the world who could ever fill his spot. And to my daddy should he ever see this...You are my hero...You are my world...You are my heart and soul. Daddy I love you...

So I say I am over it and I am moving on, but that is a big lie. Maybe if I keep saying it I will start to believe it, but somehow I think not. I am making an efort to move on, but I am definitely not over it. Hmmmm... Though I feel he is done with me, and this makes me sad. in no way am I ready to give up, I just feel I have to. Where there is no hope why keep bashing my head against things? It starts to hurt after a while. I feel as though I am stuck sometimes and he makes feel so insignificant I want to disapear. I know he doesnt mean to do this but it is that aura about him, the one that draws me to him, that just shuts me down and make me feel just not good enough. Maybe I am not good enough, this is probably true, but I still feel that him and I could be amazin together. If only he would pull his head out of his ass and stop being a scared little boy. Whatever, maybe the events this weekend will push him in that direction...he is talking to me again which is a step forward. Who know I surely don't. It would be so much easier if I could just learn to be a dyke. I however don't ever see that happening, which is unfortunate, because girls are so much easier. That is the new plan I am going to chop off all my hair and become a big dyke.

Oh man so the parents went away this weekend, and you all know what that means...PARTY! But this one ended up being no good. Sometimes when I get drunk I act like a ho, and then I end up pissing people off that I really never wanted to piss off. See I said I was gonna do my own thing and all which I definitely did, but I didn't mean to do it in his face the way I ended up. I was hammered and he was definitely the one I wanted to well yeah, but he didn't come, and then I went to bed and all of a sudden there was a boy in the bed with me and well drunkenness. But that boy happened to be his really good friend and well it is no good as you can imagine. And he has no right to be mad as we are not together, but what I did was stupid and hoish and I feel absolutely awful. I wish I could take it back but alas I cannot so I guess I will just hope and pray that he can forgive me. I hope things end up okay. Oh man I hope things work out, I really truly hope that I didn't just give myself another huge ass stumbling stone. But I did, that's what I do. I feel like shit and I am so sorry. **SIGH**

We did it!!! We finally made it out to play! Yay! Oh man so much fun spent the whole day being one of the guys playing ball basketball, baseball and such however no football ah another day. I had a blast I am exhausted but in such a good way. Now all I need is a piece of ass. Hmmm... Anyways I had another wonderful day, it is funny how the warm weather makes everything perfect. Well maybe not perfect but very very good. I have a bruise from hell on my hand because someone was trying to fucking kill me I mean shit I swear to god he had a vendetta but hey man if you play with the boys it'll be a lil bit painful. I don't know. Anyways yeah I am a lil bit tipsy, and it is raining outside. I think that is my favorite thing, warm summer rain...I think I may go back outside later and play on the swings some more. I'm such a little kid and I love it. It would be very nice to have some company though. I won't get it but again I am strong and I will deal. I have gotten my strength and my glow back, I am the person I want to be again and I love it. I am so happy to see Tanya again, and not the evil bitch that had taken my place. I have not talked to my P-nut in two days and I am sooo not happy about it. I saw Mikey today and that made me happy. I miss him. Maybe I will call him tomorrow afternoon and we will hang out...Probably not as Wade will probably make me go to the doctors for my eye. I don't know but I love my life. It is not perfect or by any means even that great but I am truly just happy to be alive. I love everyday I get to see what will happen and live another glorious day. Oh man, look at what warm weather and sunshine does to a person. I think I could sing, I am pathetic. Such a dork, and the best part is that I do not care in the least. I could scream it from the rooftops, "I am a dork, a loser, whatever, but I am happy." I love the world. I am so corny, oh boy oh boy. Ali I love you! Wade You are awesome. And to all the rest you know where you stand with me. Hmm, I think today is the first day I had nothing really to say about fruit. He played guitar today and oh man do I love that. However he also had an attitude and a half but the great thing is, I just don't care. I really am starting to feel that. No longer is it me trying to convince my self I believe. I care deeply for him, and well I can't change that, but in all honesty I don't care. An oxymoron? Maybe, but oh well. I am done with the games, I won't let him hurt ,me, and man I have that power. I am in the drivers seat again and I like it.