Mis Vida...Ah Chico...

Okay so it is most definitely 3:00 in the morning, and I cannot sleep. Why I do not know but I know that I am awake and as I need to be awake early in the morning, this is not good. At least I have somebody to talk to. I have lowered my percocet dosage I am only taking like 3 of them a day now, and I think soon I may stop all together and only take them when the pain is particularly bad. Haley told me today that I should press charges against Jeff, and she is probably right. But for some reason I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe it is because we were such good friends... Or maybe I am simply too damn nice. Who knows? I surely do not. But I do know that I just can't do it. Whether or not I should isn't the issue, it is whether or not I can. Whatever. I don't care. It looks as though I will have no permanent damage, and I will get over it. In fact I am over it, I am done talking about it. I am burying it right here and now. It's officially dead, over finito. Anyways... I need to make sure I talk to miss Perkins tomorrah... I also need to call miss Lindsay and see what she is up to. Maybe she desires to go job hunting with me... Hmmm that is a thought. Anyways... I miss Russell... I feel like such an idiot for disregarding all the warnings people gave me about Derek and ruining the most amazing relationship I have ever had. God damn him... And me... And my stupidity. Fucking A, really if I look at it the whole situation was my fault, and I could have prevented it. Damnit I want him back. I wish there was something I could do or say to make him forgive me and give me a second chance. Things got so screwy and I lost sight of the fact that although he is not perfect, he is wonderful and I love him. FUCK... Well now I have even more in my mind than when I started which defeats the purpose of me writing. The whole idea was to empty my head so I could sleep not fill it up more to make it even harder. Fucking Shit it's gonna be a long night. But I think I am gonna give sleeping a try.

Okay so there is obviously an upcoming Red Sox yankees series and all I have to say is lets go RED SOX. This is exactly what we need to catch up a little. Yay. I am officially out of my percoceted stupor and ready to face life again. I am still kinda banged up and a little sore, but I will live I know longer need to pop narcotic pain killers like candy and oh yeah I have removed the lip ring. I am officialy done with it. I think I was prettier without it. I love my nose ring but the lip ring, everyone was right, it just wasn't me. But I will never admit that to anybody else. EVER. It's a little wierd without it there to play with. But I think I will be okay. Well I am off to spend a coupla hours with the boys. And then to bed I gotsta get up mad early.

So they say bruises fade well at least the external ones and I'm sure this is true, but it sure as hell isn't happening fast enough. I decided to not take pain killers as I had to go to the station and I figured it would be good for me to be coherent but honestly it was a bad idea. The pain is excrutiating and I think I may just start crying again. But in the next 15 minutes they will kick in and it'll all be good again. Oh man I hurt. Fucking bastard. Grrrrr. I am an angry one and I honestly don't know what to do about it. Really what the fuck is it about me that just screams hit me, break me, beat me up? All I wanted to do was make them stop fighting and now I'm broken for my efforts. God Damnit!! Well I'm gonna go as my bitch fest isn't making me feel better and the keys are starting to move... hmmm gotta love narcotics. Latah

I really don't get it. What is it about me that screams will you please smack me around? I mean shit he isn't even my boyfriend and he landed my ass in the hospital. I don't get it. But the spacy drugged out fluffiness is amazingly beautiful. I don't even think I care... In fact I don't think anything it is impossible. Typing this is rather difficult as well. I think I'm going cross eyed and turning purple. So it turns out that trynna break up a fight is painful. Bruised spine, broken ribs, black eye, lots of muscle contusions and a sprained neck and fucked up knee. Life is good. Oh man, and last night was supposed to just be chill and fun. Instead there were cops and hours spent in the hospital because they were worried about internal bleeding. Hopefully my insides aren't too fucked up. Man I want to punch him in a big way. Holy shit. I gotta go lay down and take a nap now I'm dizzy.

I officially have absolutely no trust or respect for the male gender. Well there are a couple of exceptions to that rule...my daddy, wade, my little brother, brian yeah I think thats it. I hate the fact that I thought there were nice boys in the world, because it just isnt true. I fooled myself into thinling that it was and well it's not. The ones you think are nice will pretty much break your heart just like the rest. At least when you go into it thinking they are assholes there are no surprises. So from now on I will just assume that guys are dicks because I have yet to be wrong. Well at least the guys I am interested in they suck. Maybe when I go to school I will meet someone who doesnt blow. Because I figure that if they are in school and a good bit older than i am then they will have a maturity level above that of an 8 year old which is much more than i can say for the guess i have fallen for in the past. Yeah that's right you are immature scared little boys and I am sooooooo over it. You and all the bullshit I'm over it. Now all I need is the closure of telling you i never want to see you again and to leave me the hell alone forever. That'll probably never happen though, because i am just not that much of a bitch. The tainted ugly feeling that I had in my heart from you has lifted, and i just dont care anymore. It is amazing. I have a scar there from where you hurt me, but it is no longer fresh and painful it is just a memory. Ahhhh... that felt good, amazing in fact. I washed my hands of you. Over, done, finito. Yes it's amazing. And now I am going to run away because then I can stay true to these words. I don;t know exactly what it is about you but you do funny things to my ehad. I say all these things, and when I say them I mean them, but them you waltz back into my world and you turn it upside down, and then I don't know anymore andf I forget what I said and I think that it's different. But it's not, your still the same scared little boy that wants to run away from anything real. Well keep running someday you will see how much you missed out on. But chances are on that day itll be too late to get any of it back itll be to late to live it over. I myself am done with boys, I am ready for a man. Whatever, i don't care. Well that is actually a lie, i care i just won't play anymore. have fun someday I'll see you again and I will be the person I have always dreamed of being, because i am done dreaming i am ready to do it, because i, unlike you, am not scared of the world. I am much more terrified of myself. So in short watch out I am ready to fly. And boys suck throw rocks at them.

Oh what a beautiful day! I love meeting new people. I met this girl, and she is the coolest shit ever. Michele, she is Jeff's girlfriend, and she is awesome. We spent the day at Hampton beach, and then much to her disgust caught a Red Sox game. Seriously, she is awesome. And that is saying something cuz I hate girls. She has a wicked cute baby too. I dunno I have had an awesome couple of days, and Yay! I fucking deserved it, life has been brutal and it was a nice ray of sunshine. Anyways I'm hungover as shit and I gotta get up early so I am off to bed. Much love for the apples in the world...hehe.

Well I did it I went and saw the new Harry Potter movie and honestly I was a little disappointed... I don't like the new director as much they just changed too much. Oh well it was still a pretty good movie. Also yay Red Sox, and Calgary needs the cup because it would be utter sacriledge for Tampa Bay to win the Stanley Cup. Sacrilege I say, really the cup should be going home to the Fleet but things happen like sucky officials. I found out yesterday that Chris Bourque will be going to BU this fall, this is highly exciting as I will be going to BU this winter!!! YAY!! I am so excited I can't wait to get the fuck out of this hole and start living my life. I wish now that I hadn't put those things on hold, but I did and now I am soooo ready to do it! Away I go. Goodbye Y'all I'll see you later and remember me when you see me shining amongst the stars, because I promise I will.

So it appears I am officially thought of as Derek and Chad's fucking ho. Granted I have done many things that could lead them to this thought, but it is not the case. I am not, and refuse to be their ho. I am done with the both of them. After the "Frisbee" comment I learned of I really took a long gander at what I was doing and realized it was dumb. I was acting like well a ho. That's not who I am, and I am done making people think that it is. I will do my thing, and who knows where that will take me, but I am not gonna be a ho. I am not gonna play the games, and I most definitely am not going to let myself continually get hurt by stupid stupid boys. Not to say I don't have feelings for well both of them, but I'm DONE!!! To compare and contrast, just for arguments sake, the things I love about Derek: He is funny, he plays the guitar, he is very attractive, he likes sports, he smells amazing, he has the capability of being very tender and very sweet, he sings Sheryl Crow with me, bond, he owns a motorcycle and leather pants, he always looks very put together, he is an amazing kisser, and oh man the best lay ever. And Chad: he makes me laugh, he is very comfortable with himself, he seems to have his priority's straight, he doesn't bullshit, he tells it like he sees it, he is respectful of my opinions, he doesn't blow me off, he does what he says he's gonna do, um he's also quite attractive, also kisses well. Well there we go the boys, the boys I am done fucking around with no less. I miss my Russell like no ones business, but I am a dumb ass and I so royally fucked that up. Whatever it is time to move on, put my life in order and find someone who is ready for commitment and not deathly afraid of the prospect of something real. I just want someone to love me.