Mis Vida...Ah Chico...

So we had plans and as he is him I just know he is gonna bail. It is okay a part of me knew this was way to good to be true. I am not good enough for him and I need to accept that. I am really not that hurt because I think inside I expected it. Anyways I still don't hate him and I am absolutely sure I never will but I am in control and I am still not going to play games with him. Whatever...I would love it if things were different but I am in control not he and I won't be his toy I just won't. So as I am disappointed I am cool. I will live I will be ok because I do not need him...I enjoy him immensely but I definitely do not need him. It is all about needing me and only me and I am so good with that. Wow I feel like in the last week I have already reverted back to the person I used to be...It is amazing I missed her and I am so glad she is back. I will talk later and we will see what transpires in the fruit world...... Well as it seems it is not his fault. Unfortunately both of us are careless...ahh such is life. Another day I am sure. I don't know though because as I recall he has a bike and today is most definitely a beautiful bike day and unless he is enough of a stoner to forget how hot I find bikes well then that would have been the way to go. However I cannot jump to conclusions and I will indeed let it be because I am taking that fated step back to casually observe and just see what happens. Remember I do not care. I am all set with the rollercoaster ride from hell so what ever will be will be. I will just see what is to transpire. I truly have found my peace with the world and it is a beautiful thing.

So I have decided that indeed I do not hate fruit. I think that him and I should start over I want him to know the person I really am not the lost, drowning little girl he met. I am confident that if he takes the chance to see who I really am he could love me. He caught glimpses of me before and those were the times when everything was wonderful but unfortunately this other person clouded her and took over and it ruined the chance I had. I want him to give me another chance so I can show him who I really am. I am not the person that he saw I am brighter and happier and much more giving than she. I truly was lost and confused and floundering in the sea we call life. I hope that with our mending I can convince you to learn who I really am I am ready to be that girl and I want you to share that with me. I believe that it is something you would like. Don't be afraid I was and it hurt me immensely open up and try new things. Let it be real. Ill try to be good enough and Ill try not to scare you. Ill try to listen and ill try not to push. Ill work on communicating and I will make sure that I don't get too scared. Its not just you I'm scared to so lets qualm our fears and comfort each other. Lets take a step forward and grow up a bit. I have nothing to offer that is enough but ill give it my all and maybe that will work. I've fallen in love and ill never admit it but that is okay well see where this goes.

So yeah I know I had my bitch, and I decided I was done with fruit. But what can I say I am a liar. We talked today. Well we talk a lot, but today we actually said something. He says he is easy to make happy and I hope that maybe someday he will see I want to make him happy and he definitely makes me happy but my happiness is relatively insignificant it is just an added bonus. I realized today that my drinking really was causing problems even though I thought it wasn't that was simply because I didn't want to see it. I think that him and I may just end up being fuck buddies and I wont lie and say that that's enough for me but if it is all I can have I will definitely take it. I think he feels bad that he hurt me as much as he did but hey whatever I am strong, and I will get over it shit as soon as he wanted to talk to me again I laid down and talked when it comes to him I am a pushover and I simply cannot say no. I did the thing I said I was going to do. And well I did it that's all I have to say. Friday will hopefully be a good day. Non-stop action is the plan. But we have to find a location for this non-stop action to occur and that is proving to be very difficult. Hmmm. He feels that 5 is a better number than 4 and has something to prove in saying he can go there and if he can damn man ill be shocked and blissfully happy. I have lacked any communication with my p-nut today and that is highly unacceptable. Tomorrow I have to make sure to send Lindsay's package to her!!!!Highly important. But anyways I though that it was pertinent to get the fruit changes out of my head so I could process them better. In all honesty, even though we seem to have mended many of the fault lines in our relationship, I cannot help but thinking I am a fucking idiot for allowing myself to be swayed from my doneness. It is amazing though how a little jealousy and uncertainty can make a person realize their wrongs. I dunno I am dumb, but I still refuse to be his helpless bystander and I am still planning on taking charge of me and my life however if he wishes to join me for the ride I will not say no. Anyways that's all for now I have to get up mad early and I am tired so away I go to ponder the fruit.

Today I am slightly more at peace with the world...bad things happen as I'm sure you all know. And also good things happen but if we spend too much time focusing on the bad then good things will go unnoticed and depression and utter miserableness will come of it and what's the fun in that. Today I learned that my step-brother Ryan probably has leukemia, at first I was in shock and I cried...but then I realized...although I am still sad and scared, that these tears would do nothing for him or me. Instead I must be proactive I will do all I can to help him and no we have not always been extremely close, but he is still a definite part of my family and because of that I will do what it takes to make it ok. My problems of yesterday with all the fruit suddenly seem so trivial no longer am I questioning what to do I have a plan. I will do nothing it is unimportant and I don't need it to be happy. I am the only one who can make myself happy and just realizing that has put me on the path to again finding my peace. Long ago I was at peace with the world, and I think that is when I was the most accepting and understanding--I don't feel that I am judgmental now, but I am sometimes overly stubborn and brash, I feel this has come from years of fighting to be heard and understood. But all that was in the past and now I need to focus on making my future the best it can be. I won't lie and say I wouldn't like to take some fruit a long for the ride, but I don't think that it is ripe enough yet to join me and maybe someday it will be, or maybe it won't but I am done waiting around and killing myself over the immature fruit. It is time to focus on me and what I need and although this may seem cold I am not shutting people out or refusing to help them I am just making myself the number one priority in my life. So in conclusion in the grand scheme of things I am finding my peace. I hang up the towel, I quit, I'm playing no more games. I have found my control, and I refuse to give it back to you. Have fun and maybe someday when you grow up you'll realize what you did and try to fix it, but until that day goodbye.

So yeah last night was another drunken one oh man was it fun...Not really the whiskey unfortunately didn't make the nasty hurt in my heart go away...but I will move on I am strong and the biggest mistake I made was letting him feel like he was in control...I thought it was the way not to be overbearing and not to scare him away, but he definitely took some major advantage...ahhh well live and learn. By no means am I saying that I give up on him because I don't...I'm just gonna let him realize on his own terms what being scared, immature and assholish will get him...Wade thinks that he will see what an idiot he was, but I am not so very sure, but hey whatever all I can do is sit back and see...although I have actually decided that sitting back is not the way I will truly move on and be happy and whatever happens, happens I mean I can't always be in control as frightening as that is it is true and I gotsta deal with it. Anyways we are supposed to play football today, and I am excited yay for physical sports...I will finally be able to beat some boy ass and take out all that pent up aggression I tend to have...So as I say life will move on and who needs the lousy apples anyways...surly I don't! I'm done with apples...so how do you like them apples...oh yes and by the way New York Teams...i.e. Yankees Suck...Nice Sweep Sox...So as always football ended up being a no go, why the hell are boys sop unreliable...ah such is life...no worries another day another time I will do my thing and you all will like it well I'm gonna go work on my book much love to all

I truly don't understand why boys tend to think they are so fucking awesome I mean really who cares...just because you have a dick doesn't mean you must act like one all the time...honestly what is wrong with people I don't even begin to understand I mean shit man...but hey life goes on and who needs the penis anyways I think the world would be a better place if they all dropped dead I mean honestly where do the penis bearing folk get off playing stupid mind games...and why is it that those of us with out penises are forced to sit back and dociley take it all opinions are unacceptable and standing up for what you believe is worse...Whatever stubbornness is a trait I have and if you don't like it then fuck you I don't care...I have decided that the old adage is true one rotten apple really can spoil the bunch...but they never say about the other fruit just apples...so I should have known that because I am me and they were apples I would chose the rotten one but ahh such is life and there are plenty more fruit in the tree...But it is time to watch sports center and cry myself to sleep...lata