Mis Vida...Ah Chico...

I’m so tired. I have utterly lost my ability to be awake and functional I slept all day today and still I find my self wholly exhausted. In fact I don’t even really have the energy or presence of mind to write in this journal. Every part of my body is tired and I think it best for me to just sleep perhaps forever. I hate the continual rollercoaster ride that has become my life. I am ready to go. So tired it’s another wasted night and it seems the voices have stolen my conversation. I can’t do this.

White, hot, silent noise. Cacophonous, obstreperous sound, it invades my head, thoughts rolling around like a tidal wave. I cannot quite ascertain how to make sense of it. I’m a sea of contradictions and nothing quite makes sense. I strive to be normal, but normalcy always lies just out of reach. I hate the world and I’m quite certain the world loathes me in return. I am taking up space and doing nothing that is real. I don’t know precisely what is to feel, to feel whole and human. Humanity is not the level I’m on. I am far to concerned with trying to live, that in itself is a prodigious struggle. Why is this so heart breaking? I am doing nothing at all and it seems like too much. I’m tired and cold and ready to cave. I’ll throw in my towel and call it quits if I could. But the rumbling voices forbid me to quite. I love life and want to be the vivacious worldly child the tell me to be. But, I am trapped. Convoluted and lost. I am standing on the edge of the vast cliff of sanity and I fear the wind will gust and I will fall off in to the abyss that is my world. It has been too long since things really made sense and I’m not entirely sure the ever quite will. Perhaps it is weakness, in fact I know that’s the case. This is all my fault there is something wrong and I want it to stop I want to fix this crazy whirlwind of thought. I need peace. I need quiet. I hate the aloneness that always surrounds me. I’m not on the level with everyone else I transcend that world I get lost in the struggle. I may just give up but I can’t. I CANT it is an impossibility I’m not allowed. Someday some one will lock me away and throw away the key and the world will be more tranquil. My world will always be blazing and flying ready to drop like a bomb on their world. I just want to hide to turn of the argument raging in my brain. Two days ago I decided that I would cease to be medicated I think it is best for the medication had turned me into a languorous sloth. My creativity was shot lost from the world and it is the only thread that holds me to sanity. Without I’m nothing a shell of a person with demons inside. I need my virtuosity, my flair my finesse its what makes me, me. I cannot abide being boring and trite and that is precisely what the medication had done. Sure the demons seemed tamed but they weren’t they were lying under the surface in clandestine torment of my soul. Waiting for the fissure in my reason to storm back out and make their presence known. They were screaming in silence and I was dumb enough to believe they were gone. I got too comfortable and it incensed their very beings. They shrieked to get out. The noise is getting louder now but my abilities are coming back I can do this this time I’ll be strong enough to win. I pray this is the truth but I know I am a lie so maybe I am amiss again. Maybe I will lose but it is better than being the banal abhorrent creature the meds had coerced me to. I will not be that person. I might just explode but I would rather be ashes than dust for at least then I leave this hateful world in a blaze of flaming glory rather than a slow dry rot.

Well spring training has begun!!! The fabulous Red Sox kicked it off with a win against Minnesota! Big surprise eh. No hockey season means even more obsessive baseball following, I again have a sport to follow and it is ever so exciting news. I do not however have the ever needed communication with my wonderful little boy toy. Oh Well. I will continue to live this over and over again I see. I will fall repeatedly only to get clobbered. I am relatively used to it I suppose and I don't even really seem to be affected by it anymore so I guess I am ok. Or I have turned into a cold, heartless unfeeling bitch but I do not foresee the latter being true. I have been there and done that before and I was much more alone and angry than I feel now it is more an apathetic uncaring. I am still desperately terrified of being alone but I am also newly optimistic that all will work out alright in the end. I am not sure what the new found peace inside me is and I'm not sure I really need to know where it came from instead I will just enjoy it. It also doesn't hurt that the Rockin' Red Sox are playing and rocking again! For all y'all out there who don't remember the Yankees SUCK! And the red sox are the best team there is. My closing remarks shall be go BOSOX! Let's whoop some Yankee ass AGAIN. And for all you who want to make a comment about the Yankees let me just remind you of the worst choke in baseball history, it does not belong to my wonderful sox but instead to the 2004 evil empire, Yankees SUCK! GO BOSOX!